He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I love you. Go after that dick
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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