She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
