yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
