dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
