My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
