Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
