I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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