I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
