I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
