Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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