I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
