She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
