Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
