I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
