I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
