Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
