You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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