It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
