You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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