For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
