i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
