I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
