Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
There's always time for handjobs
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
