Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
