He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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