I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize