Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
