oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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