I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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