Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
