Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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