I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
