So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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