i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
