Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
