worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
