my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
