YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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