I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
