I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
