You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm getting married
To pizza
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
