flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
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