five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
