I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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