I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
