I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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