My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
