Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
