Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You need a sexual gate keeper
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize
