watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
ugly people sure do ruin things
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
