My sheets look like a crime scene.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
